Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconmistressofquills: More from MistressofQuills


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
October 10, 2012
File Size
1.0 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
189
Favourites
13 (who?)
Comments
3
×
Drowning in misery,
I'm suddenly struck by depression…
down in the depths of sorrow and guilt,
unable to forget or let go.

Drowning, helpless,
falling, groping into the darkness,
a demon waiting at the bottom…
Unable to breathe, I can only die.

Drowning without you,
so far gone I can't remember your voice…
It hurts, damnit, it hurts!
I can't see, but I can hear your laugh…

Drowning, I reach out,
but you're too far away…
No longer in contact, I feel it's been forever.
Unable to talk… will we ever again?

Drowning, the fear choking me…
you are my air, my dear.
Don't forget me, don't let go,
my eyes strain to see your face.

Drowning, I'm so cold…
bones and blood tingling,
ice shimmering over my eyes…
You're the only one who can warm my heart.
just word vomit...

only, it's from the heart, not the stomach.


unedited for now


*edited: 10/28/12
:iconeclecticquill:
In terms of vision, the poem starts off well, touching on several aspects of the theme, but ultimately fails to live up to its early promise; perhaps due to the brevity of the piece.
The primary imagery is a little cliche, with drowning being a massively overused image when dealing with negative emotion. However the inclusion of inner monologue, as opposed to first person narration, does add a certain originality to the piece.
The poem is well written, with the primary imagery well maintained throughout. The 4 line stanzas are well used, each making a succinct statement. The repetition works well to thread the stanzas together, without becoming tediously repetitive.
In terms of impact, the poem doesn't jump up and shake you by the senses. But it does inspire a sense of empathy, and in a poem of this style, that is more important.
Overall, this poem has its failings and isn't perfect, but I like it, and enjoyed reading it. And if you can say that about a poem, what else really matters?.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconeclecticquill:
EclecticQuill Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Student Writer
I like this. :)
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Student Writer
thank you!:D
Reply
:iconeclecticquill:
EclecticQuill Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Student Writer
No worries :)
Reply
Add a Comment: